Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Attwell's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, April 28th, 2004
5:15 pm	I don't like doing this anymore I am never going to write another entry in this Journal--I no longer like doing it--I hardly ever do anyway, so no big loss--I am going away soon--take care of yourselves Benjamin George Attwell (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 27th, 2004
12:23 am	After a long time... Yesterday...after a very long time (I won't tell you how long) I, for lack of a better term, got laid. She is tall, good looking (in a quirky sort of way) and she was the one that came on to me--it was such a great release and it lasted for a very long time. That's all I'm going to say. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, March 15th, 2004
4:21 pm	Home again I guess that one could say that we are both trapped at home, you, in your childhood apartment, haunted by the horrors of your youth and I trapped in the house from where I spent the better part of five years living with my parents. In your case Nora, living in Mom and Dad's old crash pad makes gramps and gran happy as larks, the presence of their (Insert Hungarian word for grandchild) gives them a conection to their family and that connection makes them feel secure that their line will live on. From what I can tell from you journal entry this sentiment and the feeling of joy it gives to said grandparents seems to be enough to keep you in Hungary for the time being. I on the other hand, make only my Mother happy by staying at home, she who has suffered so much illness over the course of her life has latched on to me as the only good thing left in this world and the only reason she continues to live on. As you can well imagine this is not an easy position to be in and neither is it a desireable one. Being put on a high pedastal does not lend itself to much of an active life past the four walls of the room I'm in, futhermore my mother reguards me in such high esteem that I have achieved the status of quasi-sainthood thus making any transgression a kind of betrayal--were I to make a mistake or be a jerk or get drunk or leave and not come back for as long as I wish her perfect view of me would be shattered. The more sick she becomes as the years go by the closer she reigns me in and the worse I feel about wanting to leave this place and never come back, and believe me she continues to worsen in both her physical state and even more profoundly--her mental state--which is becoming increasingly unstable, self-piting, and bitter. I'll finish this later I have to go for now (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 10th, 2004
2:14 am	Getting better I have been recently informed readers that some of you out there in livejournal land are not pleased with me recent descent into self-pity ie my last journal entry. Said livejournal users would like me to return to my old ammusing self. I agree! I have been sick for about two weeks and am only now starting to get better so naturally I am in a more positive mood. When I was in the third grade my elementary school was connected to a special Ed school for children with disablities both mental and physical--like any child how lived during the years that these particular people suddenly became "special" will know, metally retard 8 year olds are friendly to the point of madness and often forcing themselves on others, trying desperately to hug and or kisses them, often with grave consequences, eg the time I was slapped in the back while going down a slide by a "special" kid who was my age but pushing six feet 200 pounds. This friendly slap knocked the wind out of my tiny body and left me sprawled on the sand of the playground gasping for air. This and other incidents like it led to a change in policy at the school. From then on the "special" kids would be fenced inside their own "special" area where they could do their own "special" things with themselves. This was widely considered the golden age of my Green Acres elementary ( the name of my school ) A time not unlike the safety and security felt by the residents of Pearl Harbor before the Japanese attacked. While everything seemed right with the world, the parents of the "special" children enraged that their mongoloid spawn had been caged in like animals at the zoo, demanded that they be set free and let loose into the general population once again. The school board argued the point for several days and eventually cama up with a mutually benifical agreement. Every day at lunch the Huge, overly friendly, unpredictably aggresive, strangly small toothed, mentally deficient, drooling moaning children of the damned would be allowed back out into the school to wreak havoc on the children of others. This was not good news to the rest of us everytime day at noon the special-ed teachers would un-lock the gates and every single "special" kid would run out arms akimbo, voices calling to high heaven. We on the other side of the fense always had a look out and when 12pm came around and the gates were opened, this look out would yell with all his might: REEEEEEEEEETAAAAAAARRRRRRRDDDDDDSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hearing this warning the playground would scatter to the far end like a stampede of wild horses! It was an amazing sight. (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 7th, 2004
9:58 am	A question for you I wonder if I matter to anyone. Somehow I doubt it. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
6:16 am	Sick I'm sick readers--not just sick and tired--no I mean I am balls to the wall sick--I think I have the flu or maybe something else but just as bad! I'm going to visit with a girl named Dana--she was in a couple of my short films--I'm going to make a move because I really like her and I think we might be able to hit it off--plus I know for a fact that she is single. She very pretty in a plain kind of way--dark hair and eyes, milky skin. She's sort of shy and quirky with a slightly depressed look on her face all the time--my kind of gal. Well wish me luck you know I'm bad at these kind of things--what do you think I should do readers? (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 4th, 2004
10:06 am	Janet Jackson Readers I am very dissapointed with the media not just in this country but in general. Why you ask? Well it's not as if the news media is still a bastian of truth and fairness. Objectivity is gone, replaced by smug subjectivism. No, it not that. Last Sunday during the superbowl (of which I only saw a few minutes) Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake performed some sort of lip synch act which mainly involved prancing around the stage pretending to be heterosexual (in Justin's case) and a human being (In Janet's) after about five mintues of this Mr. Timberlake reaches over across Ms. Jackson's leather thingy and rips of a little panel from it exposing a very round, silicone enhanced, teat. With in hours the FCC was threating to sue CBS which aired the SB, MTV which produced the show--Janet Jackson and Justin Timber lake for appearing in the show and every local carrier of CBS for daring to show a woman's breast (albeit fake) on their station. Good thing there were no weapons of mass destruction contained in that stiff mammary because then our government might be forced to wait a year and a half before investigating it. Rather than jumping on the ball and teaching all involved a much needed lesson! This would all be just another example of the retarded nature of this government--if not for the media's reaction--they blew it out of preportion to a bizzare and sad extent--talk shows had panels of "experts" blathering on about the moral implications of Janet Jackson's tit and how the exposure if said tit on the holiest of holy night in this country SUPER BOWL SUNDAY. This is still going on...on wednesday this is still going on. I feel very sad for this country today. (Comment on this)
Friday, January 30th, 2004
4:04 am	Stuff that happens to me not you Dear readers The walls that surround and protect my life are slowly crumbling around me and have been for a long time now--I live among the ruins of what was once a safe and stable life--My parents are not in the best health--my mother as you know has severe RA (look it up) and has recently been stricken with pnuemonia, my Father just found out that he is going blind, not to mention that his lungs are finally feeling the affects of the the years he has spent working with cleaning chemicals. These are not people who will be able to support themselves in five years--these are people who are going to need help! I don't know. I'm conflicted--I desperately want to help them but I have an equally strong feeling that I need to escape this crumbling life.I need to escape the ruins before I become part of them. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, January 5th, 2004
10:18 pm	Another day Oh readers...it has been too long since I have written to you. I drove past my old high school today...what can I say...they rebuilt a lot of it for one thing. When I went there the school was only about 50% complete, construction having stopped over 20 years before I attended due to budget cuts brought about during the glorious stewardship of one Mr. Ronald "burn in hell you old shit" Reagan. They just stopped building one day and left it that way--until the year after I left of course, too little too late for yours truly. I never got to enjoy the fancy new silver buildings, or the spacious cafeteria or the underground mini-subway (made that one up, but still!) I hated highschool, but it could have been a lot worse for me...I found a niche that made me popular in a way, and that helped me from getting my then 115 pound ass kicked on a daily basis. Everyone is asleep here in my house except for me readers...why am I awake you ask? Well I'm finishing up an extended version of my thesis film THE THIRD ACT--you know the one I made with the Grubmeister. It is looking a lot better, I thought my origianl cut was ok to begin with but the more I work on it the more I realize how essential all the footage was--it just creates the right mood and tone--I can't imagine the film without the new stuff or should I say old stuff since most of the scenes I've added were in fact shot two years ago! I looked so young then. Actually I look younger now because I have been taking a little more care with myself. But who give a damn. The best way to describe the film would be a collage in motion mimicking the conventions of a narrative film. I hope that makes sense...it's the only way I see it. On a different note readers--have u ever seen this comedian named Sarah Silverman? She looks a lot like Nora...I'll try and put the two pics together side by side and u be the judge. Well gotta go--I'll figure out that picture thing next time. (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 28th, 2003
3:43 pm	Script and away! Working, working, working, working, working--I's tell you what is was about but you'd probably steal it readers and sell it for 600,000 dollars--just be confident in that fact that it is coming. Talked to Nora yesterday for the first time in awhile, told her about my woman troubles--she had some good advice, nice to hear it from the horses mouth--so to you ladies out there get in line cuz Ben is on the market. (Comment on this)
Friday, December 26th, 2003
8:18 am	MerryChristmas Chump! Well readers it's that time of year again--Christmas and this is what I've done 1) Saw HULK on dvd--It sucked! And not just in a regular bad movie way, it was a vacuum of flimmaking pretention, a plotless void...it tried too hard to be something of importance but couldn't help being anything more than a computer generated green guy going "raar!!" Message to ANG LEE--shoot yourself in the head! 2) Saw THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE RETURN OF THE KING--it was 98% amazing! (Jaw dropping, poop your pants amazing) and 2% boring--the film has no loess than five endings, if you haven't seen it yet, please do you'll love it up till this point- Ending number 1: Sam and Frodo on mount doom--Ben's reaction: Wow! what a daring ending, stark, down beat, to the point. Fade to black--"well time to go"--fade in--"oh wait a sec." Ending number 2: Gandalf saves Frodo and Sam--the fellowship reunites.--Ben's reaction--Oh. Well that's a nice sweet ending, the team his back to say their goodbyes, like a curtain call. Fade to black--"What a great movie. Boy my butt is numb" Fade in--"huh?" Ending number 3: Aragorn is crowned king, everybody bows down to him, he bows down to the hobbits. Ben's reaction: "Well that makes sense it is called The Return of the King, well he returned. And it looked terrific" Fade to black--"time to take a well needed pee"--Fade in--"more! Okay I'll watch it, I mean, I am a fan" Ending number 4: The Hobbits return to the shire as heroes--Sam marries a girl hobbit named Rosie--Ben's reaction: "This movie isn't over yet? Come on!" I'll leave the last three endings for you to see. 3) Made some chili for the family--no turkey for us! 4)Sat down to write this entry...stopped to go to bed. Good night readers--see you next time (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 21st, 2003
8:26 am	Wet dreams Why don't I have wet dreams anymore? This may seem like a strange question coming from me since I'm not someone who usually talks about these kind of things openly--but I have ceased to give a damn these days. I don't have wet dreams anymore--I can't remember having one in years! When I was a teenager I could count on at least one everyother night, but now, nothing. What has changed since then? I am pretty much the same person, aren't I? I want to have a god damn wet dream! To may female readers, I am sorry for talking about this, I know your probably thinking: "Yuck! What a sicko!" Well I don't know if women have similar experiences; an intense sexual dream, followed by an orgasmic ejaculation...they are messy...they are embarrasing if discovered (mine never were)and they ruin a good pair of underwear...but my god! It feels good! You wake up so content and calm. Anyway if I have to see another tampon commercial I'll drown my dog, so get over it. My first wet dream was when I was around 12--now don't laugh, but it was about TJ Hooker star Heather Lockler, she wore a red dress. Goven that I have never given Ms. Lockler a second thought then or now it's curious why she was my first real sexual fantasy, rather than Natalie Portman or another Heather that went to my school and who went to the same home room. Nope Heather Lockler. Who knows. Several...women followed her but she's the only one I remember clearly to this day. Wait a mintute? My wet dreams stopped when I started masturbating regularly--yes yet another yucky subject, but you know you do it so once again, get over it. Around the age of 18 I started masturbating everyother day--let me tell ya the thrill is kinda gone now--but after that the wet dreams stopped! I want me wet dreams back so I'm not going to masturbate for a week or so, see if they return, because they were far more satisfying than regular old masturbation. What do you think readers? (Comment on this)
Monday, December 15th, 2003
4:54 am	Feeling a bit lonely lately Be fore warned there is a lot of whining in this installment so if you can't take it wait till next time. If you can read on. Well readers--it's Holiday season once again--Christmas for those that do the whole Jesus thing--Chanaka for those who do the jewish thing--and lets not forget kwanza for those who like recently made up holidays. However happy these holidays may be, and they are. I can't help but feel a little empty sometimes, I know I have my family, but truth be told we don't gather anymore for christmas because frankly we can't really stand eachothers company...so once again for the tenth year in a row its gonna be...my mother, my father, and I. Readers--I have said this before and I'll say it again--my friend Nora Gruber is very special to me--and I miss her now terribly ever since I started re-editing THE THIRD ACT--I can't help but think about the time we spent together during the making of the film--frankly we only got along half the time, we bickered and gave up several times but somehow we contected--and now its been (I can't believe it) two years since we started working on the damn thing, two years! And a year since we have even seen one another. I know that in this time I have changed--has she? Who knows but it pains me to realize that I probably won't be seeing her anytime soon--I had planned on making some money and going to Hungary. I know that for some people this means nothing--just a few hundred dollars for the ticket and a thousand to live on but that is not the case with me. Truth be told I haven't gotten a job yet--not even a phone call from local places--my parents recently declared themselves bankrupt and are on the brink of losing the house--things are falling apart, piece by piece by piece, like a car accident viewed in slow motion. I was whiling to risk what little money I could make to visit my friend, and I guess that means something, but not as much as a full wallet...but it's not going to happen now. I have never been to Europe or asia or anywhere else but a couple of states and mexico for a day and canada for an afternoon--I'm so hungry for travel and adventure and experience and love and art and people of all shapes and sizes...but that's gonna be on hold for now--I doubt it will happen for awhile, maybe another year. I'll still be working on the script still be corrosponding with my writing partner but visiting her--sorry. Well boo hoo poor me--see you soon readers. Benjamin George Attwell (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, December 12th, 2003
3:23 am	Something about nothing six thirty in the PM--watching King of Queens--old episode--seen it before--still watching it though, don't know why just am. Okay gotta fill some space--gotta write something. Hmmmm. I know! Wait. Never mind. Damn. Thought I had a good idea there. Wait a minute. Wait one minute. An idea is forming--it's gone. Hmmm. Random words and phrases teat, fat person, jiggle jiggle, clock, turd fergusen--teat--ta ta--mommy bags--why am I thinking of all these things Well I'll be back till next time--good bye readers Ben (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 9th, 2003
2:37 am	Long lost love Last night something strange happened--I had a dream about the girl I was madly in love with in highschool (Abra Levenson)--I haven't even thought about her in at least a couple of years let alone dream about her. By all intents and purposes I had moved on and forgotten about her. That's why its so curious to me...why would I dream about this girl now? A girl whom I have not seen or spoken to since I was 17. For godsake she's not even a girl anymore she's a young woman. It wasn't a wet dream--some sexual fantasy--it was just her; acting in a film I was directing. That's it. We spoke, we laughed, we worked and it was nice. I have always thought that you know your in love with someone when you move past purely sexual dreams (you're just in lust then)and start having dreams of simply being with them and feeling content...and that's how this dream was. Am I still in love? What should I do about it? Our lives are so seperate--they were never too contected, she was never my girlfriend just someone I spent a lot of time with because we acted in plays together--we rarely even spoke--perhaps I should pay it no heed...I have someone else in my life who is equally if not more important to me...but still, something piece of my heart must still belong to her. I don't know. You tell me readers. Am I just lonely--or is it something more? (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, December 8th, 2003
4:07 am	Of films and flams and Birthdays I was peeing on the side of a shed today and was struck with a terrible thought--What if I don't have the money to see Nora? The idea of me flying across the ocean to Hungary to see my friend seems to get more and more absurd--even though the tickets are cheap I still don't have anywhere near the funds to take me there and help me get by when I'm there. I was planning on getting a job--any job--a paper route! But not a single employer has called me back or asked for an interview or anything near that so I'm left poor and stranded. I don't want to dissapoint Nora--not that she really cares she has many friends--but it does matter to me...It's very frustrating...my family seems to get worse and worse off by the month--our finacial situtation is on the verge of collapse and even if I do make some money I don't think I'll be able to spend to see Nora. So what to do? What to do? Until I find an answer--I'll just work on expanding THE THIRD ACT--its looking good with the added footage--and I'd like to wish Nora a happy birthday See you next time faithful readers-- (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 7th, 2003
7:16 pm	Actually it wasn't all over Well I'm back after six months readers...its not that I have forgotten you, its only that livejournal said my account was no longer active--well guess they were wrong! Dirty bastards. I recently got an email from Nora which said she was tired of reading one of my old entries. To that I say I am sorry--that wasn't even a good entry. Your probably wondering what I meant by 'Actually it wasn't all over' that statement refers to my status at UCSC--you see readers I thought that I had graduated this summer but that was not infact the case. Due to some sort of accounting error or perhaps a long standing vendeta that every school I have ever attended has against me I was short one unit! ONE UNIT!!!!!! Out of 180. Because of that single credit I have had to wait until this fall to take a class in oreder to satisfy the school that yes indeed I am worth of a film degree. What class is it? Perhaps one concerning Modern Feminist reading of American cinema? No, already took that. Maybe, the history of chinese filmmaking from 1920 to today? Nope, I already took that too...could it be the completion of a thesis film? Sorry, I already did that too. Than what is it you ask? Physical Fitness 101 at Cabrillo Community College--that's right...and do you know what it ain't bad! So to hell with UCSC and to hell with you! Well gotta go readers--till then I am and always will be... Benjamin Attwell BA (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 18th, 2003
6:41 pm	Finally after four years its all over Well sports fans...it happened...I graduated...I'm free from ucsc...let me start at the begining because I haven't written in my journal for awhile and I know the suspense has been killing all of you. FRIDAY JUNE 13 The night of the big screening! As you know from my previous entries I have been working on a film in order to complete my degree...my thesis project. Well, the 14 other students in my class and I completed our pictures within reason and were ready to show them to the media and the world. I had spent most of the 13th getting ready for my graduation party...a few of my realtives were over helping out and cooking but very few came to the screening...my family on my mother's side are not very interested in anything other than cooking, cleaning and watching football. Therefore my party consisted of...my mother, my father, my aunt, my uncle, two family friends from way back and I. Together we sat ourselves in a good spot in UCSC's huge media theatre...that has a screen the size of most big movie houses and seats about 400. The lights went out and the first film began. Film #1 was a fake infomercial about consumerism...I provided the voice of the narrator. four boring films later Film #6 my film, starts up the crowd likes it but the don't cheer as much as they did with the funny ones...I found out earlier that many were quiet struck by the film and there silence was a good one. Many boring and some good films later my buddy Anton Yanagisawa's film starts up...entitled Paradise Pineapple the film concerns a young man, wondering the streets desperate for money...he's looking for a big score...something to get him out of his urban hell hole of a home...he goes through a lot...meets the devil and learns his lesson...it was really good...though at first it was really on its way into the shitter...he cut it poorly and was heavily critzied by the instructor...crushed Anton almost gave up...he brainstormed some new ideas with me most of which he used...then recut the movie. It all turned out good and the film was a real crowd pleaser! Did I mention I played the young man...thats right me! I was in three films! It was cool I was happy to be invovled in so many different movies. The screening went great I had a wonderful time! Some movies were good some were bad alot were self indulgent and content free but most were well done...I'll tell you more later I gotta go. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 4th, 2003
12:33 am	Chinese Girl Well nothing happened with the chinese girl...par-for-the course for me I seem to always strike out...she brought friends with her to the film screening we were going to together...a gay guy and a girl...I guess they were her protection from me...I don't know maybe I strike people as a creep. I try to be nice. Maybe that's the trouble. You tell me readers. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, June 2nd, 2003
8:45 pm	What to do what to do? Hello readers...while working on this film of mine I meet a cool chinese girl named Joanne...I think she may like me...she actually called me and invited me to a film screening...what does that mean? Is that good? I'm gonna take her out somewhere...I'll keep you guys updated. (Comment on this)